Alternate Finale
THE TRIBUTE
(THE WRATH OF BABU)
JERRY’S APARTMENT:
(Jerry and George are sitting on the sofa watching an old black and white episode of
Superman. A group of mobsters sit around a card table at their secret hideout. A single
lightbulb hangs above their heads. They are plotting against the Man of Steel)
JERRY: They will rue the day they challenged Superman. (Speaks proudly and confidently about his hero)
(Kramer enters, looks knowingly at George then looks at Jerry. Kramer’s eyes lower
to the ground because he has a big secret)
KRAMER: (Distracted) Yeah...ah, Jerry can I borrow some soap?
JERRY: Soap? What kind of soap?
KRAMER: A bar of soap. I have to shower and as luck would have it, I’m fresh out.
JERRY: All right, hold on a second. I’ll go get it. (Annoyed, Jerry heads to the bathroom to retrieve some soap)
KRAMER: (Sneaks up to George and whispers to him) George, we’re meeting Elaine at Monk’s in half an hour. (George nods in understanding and Kramer casually walks away as Jerry re-enters)
JERRY: Here’s your soap. (Hands the bar to Kramer)
KRAMER: Thanks buddy, I’ll bring it back when I’m done.
JERRY: Uh that’s OK, you go ahead and keep it. (Makes a creepy face at the thought of the return of the bar. Kramer exits)
JERRY: Hey George, you want to go to Monk’s and get a bite?
GEORGE: No, no, I’m afraid I can’t. I have quite a list of things to do. As a matter of fact, I better get going right now.
JERRY: (Gets the feeling George is blowing him off) What on earth do you have to do?
GEORGE: Plenty, plenty. I’ll see ya. (George hastily exits)
JERRY: (Back on the TV set Superman has foiled the gangsters once again) Superman, you never let me down!
AN AIRPLANE (Somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean):
(Babu Bhatt sits in a crowded airplane, bound for New York City from Pakistan. A
woman sits next to Babu)
WOMAN: (Kind as can be) So tell me. Is this your first trip to America?
BABU: Oh no, definitely not. (His mind begins to wander. Babu replays the scene in his mind when he swears a return to America to seek vengeance on Jerry after the Visa incident. He begins to slowly mumble, looking like he is deep in thought) Jerry you are a very badman, very badman. (The woman just looks at Babu like he’s a weirdo)
MONK’S CAFE:
(Elaine, George and Kramer sit at a booth)
KRAMER: OK here’s the deal. You both know Pauly, the owner of the GiggleHut. Well the twentieth anniversary of his club is coming up. Jerry was the first guy to headline for him at the club. He has been doing his standup act there ever since. Pauly wants to throw a big black tie affair at the comedy club, a tribute to honor Jerry for all he’s done for him over the years.
ELAINE: (Excited) Wow, that is really neat. A tribute for Jerry?
KRAMER: Yeah, it’s gonna be first class all the way. Pauly is going to invite some of Jerry’s fellow comedians and pals from down at the club. What he wants us to do is hand out these passes to all of Jerry’s friends and family.
GEORGE: (Enthusiastic) This does sound exciting! A big party, just for Jerry. This is going to be fun.
KRAMER: I’ve already got Jerry’s parents coming up. Oh this is gonna be wild! (Raises eyebrows up and down and rubs hands back and forth) Most importantly, everybody has to keep it a big secret. Nobody can let Jerry know anything is up. (Gives George an extra long look. Elaine looks his way too for good measure)
GEORGE: (Glaring back) What? No problem.
A SECRET HIDEOUT:
(A dimly lit apartment - actually it’s Newman’s. Babu, Poppie, Crazy Joe Davola,
Mike Moffat{Jerry is a phony}, The Maestro, Izzy Mandlebom, Kenny Bania and
Newman all sit around a card table with only a single hanging light bulb above them)
BABU: (Passionate) Jerry is very badman, very badman. For five years I have toiled in Pakistan, each and every day swearing revenge on Jerry. First he put Babu out of business, then he put Babu out of country! I understand each of you also has felt the wrath of the evil one.
POPPIE: Yes a, Jerry also putt a Poppie out a business. Then he try and kill a Poppie!
MAESTRO: (Speaks very well mannered, calmly but distressed) He goes out of his way to embarrass and disrespect me. He refuses to call me Maestro. Instead mocking me with Bob. It’s only proper. I’m a respected conductor I’ll have you know. I don’t suppose he refers to his doctors by their first names? But a lowly conductor like me, well I guess that’s OK. (Wrings hands over forehead. The Maestro is very sensitive about this and is getting upset)
BANIA: (Hyper) He just thinks he is so superior! He treats me like I’m a hack...me? (Points to self in utter surprise) Another thing, he promised to take me out for a nice meal...like to say...Mendy’s. Have you guys ever been there, you gotta get the duck... it’s fantastic. Well I’m still waiting for my meal. (Annoyed)
MIKE: (Loudly) The guy is a big phony! (Mockingly) Everyone thinks Jerry is sooo good and sooo pure. He tried to whack me out!
IZZY: (Surly) I would love to kick that wiseacre’s ass I tell you!
CRAZY JOE DAVOLA: (Laughing and smiling like a crazy person, staring off into space) Jerry, Jerry, Jerry! (Everyone else kind of keeps quiet, lowering their eyes in fear of this nut-job)
NEWMAN: Frankly my distaste for Jerry is so great, it cannot be measured in earthly terms. Suffice is to say I agree with you all. Jerry is despicable! (Scowls)
BABU: We must come up with a plan to extract vengeance on this man. Everyone must know the truth about Jerry as we know it. I am disgusted to learn, as Kenny here has told me, there is to be a big party for Jerry. People are coming to honor a man who has no honor. We can’t let this false tribute come about. We must create a plan to ruin this affair and in turn ruin Jerry...(Pauses and starts to drift off) Like he has ruined me. We shall go for now but shall return when the moon is full.
BANIA: (Whispering to Newman, wondering what the hell Babu is talking about) Moon is full?
NEWMAN: Thursday.
BANIA: Ah.
BABU: Go out and search your hearts and minds, to create the perfect plan to disrupt this tribute and destroy Jerry! (Everyone nods in agreement and starts thinking “How to get Jerry”)
MONK’S CAFE:
(Elaine, George and Kramer are still at Monk’s)
ELAINE: Jerry is going to be so surprised. This is really going to make him happy. (Still excited for friend)
KRAMER: Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you the best part. Pauly is bringing in a special guest, who just happens to be a big fan of Jerry’s. He’s going to give him a special salute.
GEORGE AND ELAINE: Who, Who? (He has George and Elaine dying in suspense)
KRAMER: One Christopher Reeve. (Lets the cat out of the bag)
GEORGE: Superman! (Like a kid on Festivus)
ELAINE: Oh man, Jerry is going to be beside himself.
GEORGE: How are they going to get Jerry there?
KRAMER: He thinks he’s just going to do a normal night’s set.
(John Jermaine, the jazz musician enters. He spots Elaine and comes over to the table)
ELAINE: Oh my goodness, John. How are you? You look great. (Shocked to see her old boyfriend)
JOHN: You look great yourself!
ELAINE: George, Kramer, you remember John, the jazz musician. (Everyone nods yes and hello)
JOHN: Actually Elaine, I’ve quit the music business. The road...the grind...it was good while it lasted but I’ve just started a new job at Macy’s. They have an excellent new management training program. (George and Kramer exchange a quick look as this is the very sort of program they tried to get Jerry to join)
KRAMER: (Glances at watch) I better get going, It was nice seeing you John. (Gets up to leave)
GEORGE: I need to go too. We’ll see you later. (Leaves with Kramer)
JOHN: May I sit down?
ELAINE: Sure.
JOHN: Elaine, I must ask you something. Are you seeing anyone?
ELAINE: No, not seriously, why? (Intrigued)
JOHN: To be perfectly honest I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately. I keep worrying about how poorly I performed at that new number I added to my repertoire. Now that I’ve quit playing music, I was hoping you would give me another chance to get better?
ELAINE: (Slightly embarrassed) John, it wasn’t that you were bad at all. I told you before, you just tried way to hard.
JOHN: Elaine, no playing games. (Grabs hold of Elaine’s hands and looks deep into her eyes) I want to get things hot and heavy again.
MUSIC PLAYS:
(“Walking On Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves plays. Elaine, George and Kramer
are handing out tickets to people all over town: i.e. Delores, Uncle Leo, the Drake,
Jimmy, Tim Whatley, Rachel, etc...)
THE BARBER SHOP:
(Kramer enters, Gino is there cutting hair)
KRAMER: Hey buddy, what’s happening?
GINO: Not much a Kramer. Is it a time for a hair cut already?
KRAMER: No, not yet I’m here to give you these. (Hands passes to Gino) There’s a big surprise party for Jerry, and you and your father are invited. Real high class stuff. Do you think the two of you can make it?
GINO: Oh yeah, Pops wouldn’t a miss this for the a world. Jerry has always been his a favorite customer. We would be a happy to come.
KRAMER: Giddyup! (Looks around and then leans in to whisper to Gino) So tell me, is
your old man still butchering peoples hair?
GINO: (Happily replies) No actually not. He went a back to Barber School and now he’s giving people the latest, stylish cuts. As a matter of fact he’s out on Long Island today
with a the people from GQ Magazine. There’s a film shoot and he’s working on a the male models’ hair. (Kramer freaks out, shaking head in disbelief)
KRAMER: Outstanding, I’ll make sure I tell Jerry. Can I come in on the day of the party and have you give me a trim?
GINO: No problem.
KRAMER: I’ll see you then. Later buddy.
STREETS OF NEW YORK:
(George is walking along and spots an old friend)
GEORGE: Trudy? Is that you?
TRUDY: Oh my goodness, George Costanza in the flesh. How are you?
GEORGE: Good, good and how about yourself? I don’t think I’ve seen you since college days.
TRUDY: I’m all right. Yes sir, those sure were the days. You look great George.
GEORGE: Who me? Get outta here. You, your the one who looks great. (George is not just being nice, he’s thinking to himself how attractive this woman is)
TRUDY: Oh stop teasing me George. It’s just like the old days. Boy, did I ever have a major crush on you! But you never even looked my way.
GEORGE: (Nearly falls over in shock at hearing this, he had no idea) A crush...you had a crush on me?
TRUDY: Oh of course. Don’t tell me you didn’t know. Of course you knew. Your friend Jerry Seinfeld told you for me. Hey, are you still friends with him?
GEORGE: (Starting to see things a little clearer, but tries to remain cool) Jerry? Yes Jerry and I are still friends. Close, close friends. What do you mean Jerry talked to me?
TRUDY: He knew how much I liked you, and he said he tried to convince you to go out with me, but you were never interested.
GEORGE: (Now seething knowing that good ol’ Jer screwed him over) Oh yes, yes now I remember. (Lying, trying to act cool) Boy, (fake laughing) wasn’t that just before you and Jerry started dating a little?
TRUDY: I think so? (She doesn’t really remember) I always thought of Jerry just as a friend.
GEORGE: (Hiding his irritation) Well that’s just fantastic. Hey you know what. There is going to be a big tribute for Jerry over at the GiggleHut next Saturday. A big private affair and I happen to have one more ticket for it. Jerry would just love to see us...errr... I mean you. You of course. Would you like to go?
TRUDY: I would love to go.
GEORGE: Great, meet me out in front of the GiggleHut at about 8:00?
TRUDY: Great, it’s a date.
GEORGE: Oh Yeah, did you ever become an architect? I remember that being your big dream back in college.
TRUDY: (Trudy is depressed) No, I never did. To be honest I really haven’t had much luck in the work force. I’ve kind of skipped around from job to job. As a matter of fact, I’m in between jobs right now because I just got fired from my last one. (She is becoming angry talking about it. Her tone of voice suggests she didn’t do anything wrong to get let go) They canned me for having sex on my desk with the custodian. (Shrugs shoulders and looks at George with a “what’s wrong with that look”) I mean...is that really grounds to fire some one? (George is becoming overwhelmed by this all too familiar story. He begins to sweat and his heart is beating rapidly)
GEORGE: No. (This is all he can muster up to spit out. He returns the look to let her know he sees eye to eye with her on the fact that there is nothing socially or professionally wrong with what she did) I’ll see you then. I gotta go. (Voice shaking)
MUSIC PLAYS:
(“I Hate Everything About You” by Ugly Kid Joe plays. The bad guys walk the streets
of Jerry’s neighborhood showing photos of Jerry to people on the street. They are
asking if people know Jerry in an attempt to get dirt on him. Unfortunately, the people
all smile. They do know Jerry and think he’s the greatest. The bad guys get annoyed
and frown)
STREETS OF NEW YORK:
(Newman walks along his mail route. He enters Sal’s Pizzeria to stop for lunch)
SAL: Hey Newman, how’s it going?
NEWMAN: Oh I’ve seen better days, but I can’t complain.
SAL: The usual?
NEWMAN: No, I’m in a bit of a hurry today so you better just make it six slices.
SAL: What! Are you on a diet or something? (Newman ignores the crack, pacing looking at a series of photographs on the wall) I’ll have it up for you in a sec.
NEWMAN: (To self) This is interesting!( Then louder to Sal) Sal my good friend?
SAL: Yes.
NEWMAN: Has this particular photo always been here?
SAL: Which one?
NEWMAN: This one right here. (Points to a photo on Sal’s wall)
SAL: Yes. That’s a picture of the restaurant’s Grand Opening. I took that picture myself on the night I opened five years ago, from across the street there. (Gestures)
NEWMAN: (Starts to laugh his evil laugh) Well I’ll be. I guess I never noticed it before.
Sal, do you think I could make a copy of this picture.
SAL: Sure, why not. (Seems confused, doesn’t understand why Newman is interested in the picture)
NEWMAN: I’ll get this right back to you. (Newman sticks his face close to photo, concentrating on some small detail in the picture? He continues his evil laugh)
JERRY’S APARTMENT:
(Jerry is on the telephone with his folks)
JERRY: (Depressed) I don’t know Mom, it just seems like my friends haven’t had much time for me lately. I’m just blue! (Sighs heavily)
HELEN: My poor baby. You don’t worry about it. Things are going to look up, I promise you.
MORTY: That’s right Jerry. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about anything. Your way too good for wasting time on worrying.
HELEN: Anyway, Jerry we called to tell you that were coming up this week for a visit.
So you’ll soon have plenty of company. The three of us are going to have lots of fun.
JERRY: (Wishy-washy) I guess.
MORTY: Keep your chin up boy. Your mother is right. Your just in a little funk right now but we’ll be right there to help you get out of it. We’ll see you on Saturday.
JERRY: OK, bye Mom, bye Dad.
HELEN: Good-bye Jerry, we love you! (Everyone hangs up.)
THE SEINFELD’S HOME (Florida):
(The Seinfeld’s have just hung up the phone)
HELEN: He sounds so down, I hope this tribute cheers him up.
MORTY: Are you kidding. This is going to be the greatest night of his life. He’ll be in Heaven. He’ll see how much everyone cares for him.
HELEN: I hope so. (Still worried about her little boy)
ELAINE’S APARTMENT:
(John and Elaine are standing in her doorway. He is preparing to leave)
ELAINE: I guess I’ll see you again tomorrow.
JOHN: How about a late supper? I get off at 10:00.
ELAINE: Or, we could just skip food all together. That’s what hot and heavy couples do.
JOHN: Elaine, are you trying to tell me I might be getting good enough at that... you’re ready to skip a fine meal, just to get to it!
JOHN: I have to tell you, for never having played that particular number, you certainly have picked up the gist of it pretty darn quick.
JOHN: Are you sure? Your not just saying that. (Fishing for reassurance)
ELAINE: Oh yeah, I’m sure! (Smiles huge to let him know he has really made her feel good)
JOHN: What about room for improvement?
ELAINE: Oh sure, there’s always room for improvement! (She doesn’t want him to think he has her completely under wraps)
JOHN: I’ll keep working on it. I’ll see you tomorrow. (They kiss good-bye)
THE SECRET HIDEOUT:
(The bad guys sit around the table)
BABU: What have you all come up with for our good friend Jerry?
MAESTRO: I talked to a Lt. Bookman at the library. He says Jerry once kept a book checked out for twenty years without returning it. What if we told his friends about that?
BABU: Although that shows his lack of courtesy for others, that’s not good enough. We need something bigger. (Maestro nods in quiet agreement, knowing his contribution is not to be the one) What else?
BANIA: (Spastic) I talked to a Duncan Meyer, who swears Jerry cheated in a big race back in high school. We could expose the hack for the big cheater he is!
BABU: We have no way to prove this. He already has the masses fooled. We must have some sort of proof to show people the real Jerry Seinfeld. (Bania sadly nods also, knowing his plan too has failed)
CRAZY JOE DAVOLA: Lets kill him! (Non-chalantly, shrugging shoulders)
(Everyone looks around the room at one another with raised eye-brows, avoiding eye
contact with Crazy Joe. No one dare says a word about his idea as they all think his
name is quite fitting)
BABU: (Emotional) One of you must have come up with something? Some way to ruin Jerry?
NEWMAN: (Smugly laughs and stands up) Never fear! Newman is here. (He hands out photos to the others)
MIKE: (Negative) It’s a picture of Sal’s Pizza. Looks like the grand opening. So what?
NEWMAN: Take a closer look. (Still, nobody sees anything) In the car...in front of Sal’s?
BANIA: Hey, it’s Tia Van Kamp, the supermodel, wow. (Excited)
NEWMAN: (Very annoyed) The other car you simpletons.
(Everyone in the room gasps and throws their heads backward in surprise, and then
they all smile)
POPPIE: It’s a Jerry. (Subdued, in shock at what he’s seeing)
NEWMAN: Yes Poppie. It is Jerry...and his finger is up his nose!
POPPIE: And he say a I’m a sloppy. (Glances at everyone in room with disgusted look)
NEWMAN: I’ve taken the liberty to make several hundred copies of this very photo. Blown up to show Jerry in all his nose digging glory. (Newman holds up the enlarged photo. It is a close up of Jerry with finger in his nose, although it is still unclear of the degree of nostril penetration)
NEWMAN: As soon as all of Jerry’s misguided fans are seated, we all pass out these photos and cause Mr. Seinfeld a catastrophic and public humiliation. He may never be the same! (Laughs his evil laugh to it’s fullest extent. Babu looks at Newman and places his hand on his own heart and nods head up and down at Newman to show his approval and deep gratitude)
BABU: (Teary-eyed, mumbling) Yes, yes, Jerry very badman.
TUXEDO RENTAL SHOP:
(George and Kramer are renting tuxes, A salesman is fitting them)
GEORGE: I’m telling you Kramer, Jerry will be pretty surprised when I show up with Trudy after what he did to me. (Worked up pretty good)
KRAMER: So what? He didn’t tell you she liked you. You two were kids back then. (Kramer still is unable to fathom the emotion of jealousy when it comes to a woman and a friend)
GEORGE: I’ll tell you one thing. I would have never done that to him if the situations were reversed. (George doesn’t even believe the lie that just came out of his mouth)
KRAMER: These tuxes are all awful. They’re all so...blah. (Kramer turns his nose up to all the stylish tuxes the salesman is showing them) You gotta have something with a little pizzazz...a little pinnace...a little Kramer! (Clicks cheek) That’s it! (He points though a half closed curtain in to the back stock room. There on a mannequin sits a powder blue monstrosity, double wide lapels, grayish white shirt with puffy rolls all down midsection, cummerbund and tie are white with matching blue polka dots, and two-tone gray and baby blue shoes) That tux is all that!
GEORGE: (George is trying on a very nice black and white traditional tux) Kramer, be serious. You can’t go to this party in that.
KRAMER: We’ll I sure as heck can’t be seen in something like that. (Points to George and his duds)
SALESMAN: (Snotty) Sir, you must be kidding. That type of tuxedo went out of style fifteen years ago. Even if you put me in a time machine and transported me back, I don't think that would be the one to choose, if you get my hint.
KRAMER: Hey, Cosmo knows style, and that tux is all style.
SALESMAN: (Short and annoyed) I don’t believe we stock that particular number anymore sir.
KRAMER: We’ll then let me try that one on. (Salesman goes in back, picks up entire mannequin takes it to Kramer, hands it to him rather hard, the mannequin knocks Kramer backward and through the dressing room door and onto the floor)
GEORGE: Come on, we don’t have all day. Is it going to fit? (Kramer exits dressing room in full garb, proud as can be, strutting like a man who thinks he looks fantastic) Oh my God! (George just laughs and laughs)
KRAMER: All right, that’s enough. You know it’s not easy being a trend setter.
GEORGE: (Still laughing) That salesman was right. I bet you that tux hasn’t be worn in fifteen years.
KRAMER: (Kramer fishes his hand in the pocket. He finds something and pulls it out. It is a movie ticket stub {It reads - Kramer vs. Kramer: circa 1980} Kramer glances at the stub, turns away so George can’t hear and sheepishly mumbles) Shazzam!
GEORGE’S APARTMENT:
(George answers the phone)
GEORGE: Hello.
JERRY: Hey George, what’s going on?
GEORGE: Nothing. (George is short with Jerry, still peeved about Trudy)
JERRY: Hey, I was thinking, maybe you could come by the club on Saturday. We could go do something after I finish my set. I know! We could go see Prognosis Negative 2. It’s coming out and I hear it’s much better than the first one.
GEORGE: (Smugly and rich in sarcasm) Oh I’m terribly sorry. I’ve got plans...got a big date my loyal and trustworthy friend! (Beginning to get worked up, then the doorbell rings) I gotta go. I’ll see you. (Hangs up on Jerry. He goes to open the door only to find Mr. Steinbrenner standing there) Mr. Steinbrenner, what are you doing here? (Shocked)
MR. STEINBRENNER: May I come in? (Walks in before hearing an answer. Begins one of his long rambles) George, my good friend. I need you to do something for me. Word on the street is there is a big tribute for Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian, coming up this Saturday. Gonna be the biggest party of the year. He is one funny guy that Seinfeld...with all his did you ever notice this, did you ever notice that business. Absolutely hilarious George, hysterical side-splitting. (George Costanza just sits open mouthed, unable to get a word in) I caught him on that Conan O’Brien show last month...dear Lord, I nearly busted a gut. I know your friends with Jerry so I need you to get me a ticket. Can’t miss this one, going to be huge, yes sir. I hear Superman, Christopher Reeve, will be there. What a true inspiration that man is to all America, mmm,mmm.
GEORGE: (Puzzled, in a quiet, questioning tone) Mr. Steinbrenner, I don’t work for you anymore. You fired me, remember?
MR. STEINBRENNER: Fired, hired. Hired, fired. What do those words really mean? (Wildly flailing his arms) It’s all semantics. Everybody still works for me. Your still working for me aren’t you Costanza? As a matter of fact I have Bob Lemon and Don Mattingly over at my place right now doing some remodeling. Stump Merrill drove me over to your house just now. You know George, I’m probably going to be looking for a new third base coach. One heartbeat away from the skippers chair! Now how about that ticket?
GEORGE: (Still in shock. Not knowing what to do) Well...I don’t have the pass here with me, but if you meet me in front of the GiggleHut at 8:00 on Saturday, I’ll get you in. (George has already promised his last ticket to Trudy)
MR. STEINBRENNER: Excellent, excellent. It’s going to be one big night. Just me and you, two boys out on the town, having a good time. (The bossman jumps around)
KRAMER’S APARTMENT:
(Kramer sits on the sofa in his wood paneled digs. He is writing some notes. Jerry just
opens the door and walks in...a la Kramer)
JERRY: Hey Kramer. What’s going on? (Scans eyes around apartment)
KRAMER: (Stuffs his papers under a pillow) Nothing. (Soft and distracted)
JERRY: You want to hang out, or do something?
KRAMER: (Condescending and apologetic) I’m sorry Jerry. I’m kind of busy. You know how it goes. I can’t just have you hanging around here. (Jerry picks up a paddleball that is sitting on a shelf. Kramer calmly walks over and takes the paddleball out of Jerry’s hands. He sits it back down on the shelf. He puts his hand gently, in a caring and loving manner, on Jerry’s shoulder and starts leading him out of the apartment) You seem down buddy. Don’t worry, your just in a rut. You’ll pull yourself out of it.
JERRY: Kramer, you want to come by the club on Saturday? We can go out and do something after my set? (Kramer now has Jerry at the doorway)
KRAMER: I’m sorry Jerry, no can do. I’ve got a big poker game going over at Lomez’s house. I’ll tell you what though. (Patronizing but cheerful) Next week I’ll do you a big solid. I’ll take you down to the Dairy Queen and buy you a nice big cone! (Kramer rubs his hand on Jerry’s head) Make that a dipped one, tiger! (Shuts the door with Jerry left standing in the hallway)
MONK’S CAFE:
(Elaine and John sit at Monk’s smiling at one another)
JOHN: I really love the gown your wearing to Jerry’s party. You look really hot in it.
ELAINE: (Sheepishly) Me?
JOHN: Yeah definitely.
ELAINE: (Embarrassed) You know John, I must say you really are nearing perfection when it comes to that.
JOHN: (Sheepishly) Me?
ELAINE: Yeah definitely. Listen why don’t you come over early Saturday and you can practice some more. Bring over your tux and get ready at my place. (Elaine and John get up and move over to cashier)
JOHN: (Paying their tab) Hey look Elaine, BubbleYum bubble gum. (Points at display) I used to chew this stuff all the time when I was a kid. Grape was my favorite. (Picks up pack of gum to buy from cashier) I guess you make me feel like a kid again Elaine! (Joyous)
ELAINE: (Sheepishly) Me? (She giggles and smiles)
TUXEDO SHOP:
(Kramer and George enter)
GEORGE: So Kramer, I’m in a serious jam. Are you sure there are no more tickets?
KRAMER: I’m sure buddy. I called Pauly for you. This is going to be the hottest social event of the year. It’s going to be packed to the walls.
GEORGE: (Worked up and screaming) Well I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve got a beautiful woman who wants to date me. Me Kramer! Not to mention the fact that I can hold her up as a trophy in front of Jerry and show him, even though he tried to screw me, low those years ago, George Costanza will not be denied! (Then back to calm) On the other hand if I take Mr. Steinbrenner, that kook is libel to make me the new third base coach of the New York Yankees. I don’t know what to do? (Stressed)
KRAMER: It’s simple George. A cut and dry, win-lose situation. You show up in front of the club and whoever shows up first goes in. The tardy one, call the next day and ask them where the heck they were? Cause you were patiently waiting for them outside until 9:15.
GEORGE: (Hopeful) You think they’ll buy it?
KRAMER: No! But you sell it brother! (Kramer tilts head and clicks cheek. George nods. He will go with Kramer’s plan. Kramer lets out a huge yawn)
GEORGE: What’s up with you? Why are you so tired?
KRAMER: I’m exhausted. I was up till quarter till five writing my speech.
GEORGE: Your speech?
KRAMER: Yeah, my speech about Jerry. I’m gonna give it tonight. And let me tell you, it’s pure King!
GEORGE: (Questioning) Martin Luther? (Kramer nods no)
KRAMER: (Ecstatic) Don, baby!
GEORGE: (Looks at Kramer like he’s an idiot) Kramer! You don’t get to give a speech tonight. What on earth gave you the idea that you could give a speech? That’s what they got Christopher Reeve for. He’s Jerry’s biggest fan...he’s a star...he’s Superman!
KRAMER: (Whimpering) Well now you tell me. (Whining) I’m pooped! (His knees sag)
SALESMAN: (He hands the tuxes to George and Kramer in zipped up garment bags) Go ahead and try these on in the dressing room to confirm everything is correct.
KRAMER: No can do. I’ve got to go get my hair cut. I don’t have time. I’m sure everything is perfect. I’ll see you tonight George. (Walks out bumping into doorway, knocking tux to floor, picks it back up, grins sheepishly and exits)
JERRY’S APARTMENT:
(Jerry’s folks enter apartment)
JERRY: (Excited) Hey! Mom, Dad I’m so glad to see you.
MORTY & HELEN: Hello Jerry. (Hugs, handshakes and kisses)
HELEN: Jerry, I’m so happy to see you smiling. You sounded so down on the phone.
JERRY: I’m just happy now that I have my Mommy and Daddy here. (Joking, but he is cheered up by his family being there) Listen, I want you two to come to the club tonight as my guests. Afterward I’ll take you out on the town, my treat.
MORTY: Are you kidding? That’s way past our bedtimes.
JERRY: (Desperate) Oh please...you have to go...please?
HELEN: OK Jerry, we’ll go. But we’ll have to meet you there. We have plans with your Uncle Leo this afternoon. (Jerry hugs his Mom)
JERRY: Yeeaahh Mommy!
THE SECRET HIDEOUT:
(The bad guys gather to go over the last minute details of their plan. Kenny Bania
hands out tickets to each person)
BABU: (Speaks with passion) Oh I have waited for this day, to strike vengeance on the man who ruined my life. He disguised himself as my friend only to turn on me in my hour of need. My life in Pakistan these past years has been Hell on earth. Only my thoughts of returning to America and paying back Jerry kept me going. I can’t wait to see Jerry’s face when I tell him I’m going to ruin his life. From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee! (Slams fist on table and clinches teeth)
MAESTRO: (Looks confused. whispers to Bania) Hell’s heart?
BANIA: (Leans over and whispers back) Star Trek II, Wrath of Kahn. (Maestro nods in understanding)
BABU: We shall all meet tonight. (Everyone stands up. Maestro in boxer shorts puts his pants back on)
BARBER SHOP:
(Kramer droops his way into the barber shop, feet and arms dragging behind him)
KRAMER: Hey Gino, can you get me right in? (Sluggish)
GINO: Sure, sit down, sit down. (Kramer literally falls into the chair and slouches down in it) The usual?
KRAMER: You know better than to ask a question like that. I’ve had this cut since the age of three.
GINO: I know, I was just a testing to see if you were awake. (Gino begins to cut Kramer’s hair. Kramer immediately dozes off. The phone rings in the background and Gino’s father answers it)
ENZO: Gino, it’s a for you. It’s a your sweetheart. (Gino excitedly rushes to phone leaving Kramer fast asleep)
GINO: (Distracted) Hey Pop, can you finish up Cosmo for me? He wants to look his best for Jerry’s party.
ENZO: No problem. Jerry is a my favorite customer. Tonight is gonna be a so special.
(begins to cut Kramer’s hair)
GINO: (On the phone, swooning) No baby, I love a you more.....do so.....do not.....yes I like that.....I’ll come right over tonight after the party......yes I’ll bring you a present. (Glances over at his father and Kramer, does a huge double take and his eyes bug out) I gotta go! (Abruptly hangs up the phone and runs back over to Kramer. He pushes his father away) Thank you pop, I’ll finish up. (Panicked. {Kramer’s hair is cut fabulously, very up to date, stylish, trendy. He looks like one of the Friends. His normal light on top, dark on the bottom, bushy see-through, unruly bird’s nest “Kramer” cut is gone} Gino purposely turns Kramer’s chair away from the mirror and wakes him) OK, your a set. Better get going. I’ll see you a tonight. (Lifts Kramer up and holds his shoulders away from the mirror, leading him outside rapidly.)
KRAMER: (Still half asleep) Don’t you want me to pay?
GINO: It’s on a the house. (Kramer is still sleepy-eyed and leaves without noticing his nice cut)
ELAINE’S APARTMENT:
(Elaine is lying in bed. She has the covers pulled up above her chest. John is under the
covers preparing to do that once again)
JOHN: (Bragging, confident) I think this just might be the perfect time Elaine.
ELAINE: Well you better get moving there stud, we got a party to get to. (Elaine smiles) Oh yes, that feels wonderful. Easy John, settle down there big fella. (Suddenly Elaine’s eyes show a look of horror)
JOHN: OOPS! Oh my God. (Panicky, no confidence)
ELAINE: (Horrified) What was that I just felt? John what have you done? (Angry) Did you forget to take that damn gum out of your mouth?
JOHN: (Stressed and scared voice) I sat up for a moment to take a breath and it seems to have slipped out of my mouth. I uh think it’s tangled up a bit.
ELAINE: (Screaming) Oh my God, what the hell have you done!
JOHN: (Panic stricken) Here, I think I can get it loose.
ELAINE: (Still screaming) Don’t! stop it! ow! ow! stop! Your getting it more tangled! ouch! (Starts slapping at covers and John’s head)
KRAMER’S APARTMENT:
(Mickey enters Kramer’s place. He is already in his tuxedo. Dressed to the
nines)
MICKEY: (Yelling) Hey, come on Kramer, you’ve got to hurry up. Were going to be late. I’ll kill you if you make me late and embarrass me.
KRAMER: (Opens the shower curtain. A towel is around his waist. He yells back) Hold on, I just got out of the shower. (Walks by the mirror. It is all fogged over from shower steam so Kramer can’t see himself. He wraps a towel on his head and moves from the bathroom to the front to see Mickey)
MICKEY: (Throws hands up in disgust when he sees Kramer dripping wet) Dammit Kramer, I told you to be ready by the time I got here. You better not make me late.
KRAMER: Settle down Mickey. I’d say someone is a little (Looks right at Mickey) short on patience.
MICKEY: (Eyes bug out) What the hell do you mean by that? (Charges across room, removing jacket) All right, that’s it Kramer! Let’s throw hands. (Mickey assumes his fighting stance)
KRAMER: (Backs up and cracks head on wall) Easy, easy! I didn’t mean anything by it. I’ll be ready in ten minutes. (Mickey backs off still glaring. Kramer unzips his garment bag to reveal a black tuxedo) Oh my God! This isn’t the right tux.
MICKEY: (Comes over and inspects the suit) Wow! This is the nicest tux I’ve ever seen. It’s an Armani.
KRAMER: (Whining loudly) It’s not me! I can’t wear this.
MICKEY: Oh jeez, don’t tell me you went for that Tom Hanks in “Big” number again?
KRAMER: (Adamant) Now that was one boss getup!
MICKEY: (Picks up suit and pushes it toward Kramer) Now listen here. You take this suit, go in that room right there, and you put it on, understand? (Forcefully)
KRAMER: (Whimpering) I’m not happy!
ELAINE’S APARTMENT:
(John stands outside Elaine’s closed bathroom door)
JOHN: (On Eggshells, he calls to Elaine who is inside her bathroom) Elaine, when I was eight, my cousin Randy put a piece of gum in my hair. My Mom tried peanut butter to get it out.
ELAINE: (Her voice through closed door. Infuriated) We’ll this nail polish remover sure as hell ain’t working. How could you be so stupid to drop it anyway?
JOHN: (Defensive, shouting) Well, maybe it wouldn’t have gotten tangled up so badly if you weren’t squirming around so much!
ELAINE: (Still through door) Oh this is just great!
KRAMER’S APARTMENT:
(Kramer comes out of his bathroom in the tuxedo. The towel is now removed from his
head. He looks like a new man, like a million dollars, very un-Kramer-like)
MICKEY: (Immediately noticing Kramer’s new hair) Wow! Kramer you look fantastic!
KRAMER: I can’t wear this tux...it’s awful. (Complaining)
MICKEY: No, no...not your tux...your hair, it looks awesome! You look like Pierce Brosnon.
KRAMER: (Panic stricken) My hair? What happened to my hair? (Runs in the bathroom, rubs his hands on the mirror to remove the steam so he can see himself. Takes one look and starts screaming) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! I can’t be seen in public like this... I’m hideous!
(Mickey has followed Kramer into the bathroom)
MICKEY: Hideous my ass! I’m going to get you a job as the new hunk on Melrose Place. (Kramer begins to sob)
THE GIGGLEHUT:
(Jerry walks up to the back entrance of the comedy club. His demeanor is totally blue.
He sighs and opens the door, entering into the back room. Pauly is waiting to greet
him)
PAULY: (With enthusiasm) Jerry my good friend, welcome.
JERRY: (Wishy-washy) Hey Pauly.
PAULY: Jerry, I’m afraid there’s been a little change in plans. You won’t be performing your set tonight.
JERRY: (Depressed, feeling sorry for himself) Great. Go figure.
PAULY: Cheer up! I’ve got a big surprise for you. Go to the dressing room, I’ve got some clothes waiting for you there. Put them on and then meet me out front.
JERRY: (Jerry perks up a bit) Oh goody! A surprise for me? (He practically skips off to the dressing room)
THE SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF THE GIGGLEHUT:
(George nervously waits out in front of the club shuffling his feet)
GEORGE: Come on, hurry up! (Looks around scanning the area. Turns around only to see Trudy and Mr. Steinbrenner walking toward him practically shoulder to shoulder. Of course they are unaware of each other. George puts his hand up and rubs his forehead, shaking head in disbelief)
INSIDE GIGGLEHUT:
(Jerry has put on a tuxedo and enters the club. Pauly is there to meet him. Jerry
immediately notices many familiar faces. They all see Jerry and give him a rousing
round of applause)
PAULY: Surprise! I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for everything you’ve done for me and the club, both as a comedian and a friend. I don’t know if you know this Jerry, but you first performed here twenty years ago tonight. Thanks again and congratulations! (Pauly extends his hand to Jerry in deep appreciation)
JERRY: (Nearly speechless but genuinely moved) Wow! thank you Pauly! (Jerry starts to mingle and gets a warm greeting from all)
Some of the people in attendance:
Morty Seinfeld, Helen Seinfeld, Uncle Leo, Nana, Frank Costanza, Estelle
Costanza, Jimmy, Larry and Ruthie from Monk’s Cafe, Aaron(Close talker),
Mr. Peterman, Mr. Lippman, Jackie Chiles, Delores(Mulva), Joel(Ping-pong table),
Tina(Elaine’s old roommate), Michael & Carol(The Hamptons), Jake Jarmel, The
Ross’s(Susan’s parents), Ping & Cheryl, Sid(Car parker), Keith Hernandez, Rachel,
The Drake, Tim Whatley, Naomi(Stupid laugh), Sidra, Gail Cunningham, The cast
of Jerry: Michael Barth, Tom Pepper and Sandi Robbins are mingling with Kevin,
Feldman and Gene{Bizarro Jerry, Kramer and George} Maryedith and
Matthew(Neighbor family), Sid Fields(Old man), Laura(Marlee Matlin),
Winona(Native American), Bubble Boy(In space suit with his folks), The Soup
Nazi, Gino & Enzo, Beth & Arnie & David, Meryl(Courtney Cox), Noreen, Mr.
Bevilaqua, Puddy, Lois(“The Race”), Jean-Paul(Marathon runner), Sally (Susan’s
roommate), Seth(Jerry’s college buddy), Claire(Hellooooo!), Fragile Frankie,
Celia(Toy collection), Lloyd Braun, Donna Chang, Tony(Dan Cortese), Sue Ellen
Mishke, Jeannie Steinman(Janeane Garofalo), Jenna(Toothbrush), Katie(Jerry’s
agent), Buckles, Ronnie(The prop comic) and some of Jerry Seinfeld’s real life
stand-up comedian friends: Jay Leno,Paul Reiser, David Letterman and Mario
Joyner)
(Jerry is moving through the room and greeting everyone. He spots his family)
JERRY: (Bashful) You guys!
HELEN: Are you surprised? (Hugs her son)
JERRY: Yes, I’m shocked. Thank you so much, this is great.
HELEN: You deserve it, we’re so proud of you!
MORTY: (Bursting with pride over his son) That’s my boy!
UNCLE LEO: Hello Jerry. Your cousin Jeffrey sends his best, congratulations.
NANA: I’m so proud of my grandson. (Lovingly touches Jerry’s cheek) Graduating from High School is quite an accomplishment you know. (Uncle Leo tries to pull her away to explain what year it is)
JERRY: Thank you very much Nana! (Jerry doesn’t mind her confusion and gives her a kiss)
(Mickey is the next to enter. He walks in a good ten feet then turns around, looks
annoyed and goes back out. He returns pulling Kramer in by the arm like a child.
Kramer is frowning, trying to drag his feet. Embarrassed, he is acting how a normal
person would act if they had that blue tux on and a Kramer dew. Jerry spots Kramer)
JERRY: Kramer! Oh my God! you look fantasti....(Kramer cuts him off mid-word, raising his hand to shush Jerry)
KRAMER: Ahahahahahahahhahahah! (Moving his open palm back and forth in Jerry’s face, letting him know “I don’t want to hear it”. Jerry shakes hands with Mickey and Kramer and they enter)
(John enters with a look on his face of a man in serious trouble. Elaine is right behind
him in a beautiful gown. She has the most horrific look on her face. She is walking
very gingerly as if she is in a severe amount of discomfort. Her upper lip is turned up
like she has a bad taste in her mouth. Jerry spots them)
JERRY: (Excited, opens arms to give his friend a hug) Laine! (He notices her discomfort) What’s wrong? (Elaine sluggishly raises her hand half way up, without speaking shakes her head and finger at Jerry giving him the old “don’t even ask.” Still without smiling she hobbles away from Jerry. It’s apparent her problem has not been completely solved yet. John fearfully follows her)
(Mr. Steinbrenner and Trudy enter, her on his arm)
MR. STEINBRENNER: (Speaking to Trudy) Oh boy, am I excited! Jerry Seinfeld...a regular Milton Berle, this is going to be good. Funny, funny guy I tell you. I know this isn’t a real date or anything but don’t tell the Mrs. She would be none too happy. Look at me, a beautiful young girl on my arm.
MONK’S CAFE:
(George Costanza sits alone, sulking. He is sipping on a cup of coffee)
GIGGLEHUT:
(Jerry is continuing to greet his friends)
DOORMAN: (Grabs Jerry by the elbow as he’s socializing) Mr. Seinfeld, I’m sorry to disturb you but there’s a group of gentleman, they have tickets, but they asked me to get you. They say they would like a private word with you outside before they come in.
JERRY: (Puzzled) Who is it?
DOORMAN: I’m not sure Sir, what should I tell them?
JERRY: Sure, I’ll go. What the heck? I’ll be right back Pauly.
PAULY: All right. (Jerry follows the doorman outside on to the sidewalk)
THE SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF THE GIGGLEHUT:
(Standing on the street is the gang. Babu is in front. Bania, Maestro, Newman, Izzy,
Crazy Joe Davola, Mike and Poppie are in a semi-circle behind him. Their arms are
folded, eyes fixed on Jerry, smirks on each of their faces)
JERRY: (Genuine excitement) Oh my goodness, Babu! Your back. I’m so glad to see you.
BABU: Don’t give me that Jerry. You have cost me a lifetime worth of torment, pain and suffering. You Jerry are a very badman! An extremely badman.
JERRY: (Apologizes) No Babu, I’m not bad. Not bad. (Points to self with a “who me? look”) I’m so sorry. It was a simple mistake, please forgive me.
NEWMAN: Don’t listen to him Babu. He’s just trying to trick and fool you.
JERRY: Hello Newman. (Scans his eyes over the rest of the gang) Hello gentleman. You all are up to no good I gather?
BABU: I hope you have been enjoying your big party Jerry, because you won’t be for long. I will hurt you...just like you hurt me. (He removes a heavy manila envelope from his jacket, and removes a single photo from it) Here Jerry, we’ve prepared special party favors for each and every one of your guests. You shall be very sorry for the day you crossed Babu Bhatt. (The Superman theme song begins to play very softly in the background. The John Williams’ version from the movies starring Christopher Reeve)
(Down the street coming toward the GiggleHut are Christopher Reeve and his wife)
MR. REEVE: I’m so excited about being asked to this event. Jerry Seinfeld has to be the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. It will great to finally meet him. (Mrs. Reeve nods in agreement)
(Back to the bad guys. Jerry takes a hold of the photograph and looks at it. We see the
wheels start to rapidly spin in his head. {Flashback scene of when Supermodel Tia
Van Kamp catches Jerry in a nose pick} Jerry glances up at Newman. Newman is
smiling and laughing with absolute glee. He wiggles his fingers at Jerry in a mock
wave as he raises eyebrows up and down, letting Jerry know just who uncovered this
evidence)
JERRY: (Through clinched teeth) Newman! (Jerry then starts talking extremely fast, pleading his case) I’m innocent. It wasn’t a pick. There was no nostril penetration. I had an itch and I was simply scratching it. My finger was on the outside of my nose at all times!
BABU: Tell it to the jury, badman. (The Superman theme becomes louder)
MRS. REEVE: We better hurry up and get inside. (She takes her hands off the wheelchair to glance at her watch and looks up at the entrance of the GiggleHut. They are now just several feet from Jerry and the gang. All the bad guys are yelling at Jerry and Jerry is yelling back at them)
BABU: (Waving the manila envelope full of photos at Jerry) Your finished Jerry! (Superman theme becomes even louder)
MR. REEVE: (Mr. Reeve’s wheelchair begins to roll forward) Honey! Honey! I’m rolling! (His chair is heading directly for the group) Look Out! (Mrs. Reeve is after him, just an arm’s length behind. Superman theme is in full tune. All the men scatter except for Babu who is frozen in his tracks, like a deer in the headlights. Mr. Reeve bumps to a stop running into Babu. The envelope full of pictures is jarred loose from his hand. The envelope flies several feet backward finding it’s way perfectly through two bars of a New York City street grate)
BABU: (His eyes nearly pop out of his head as he sees his plan disappear down the sewer, literally) Ahhhhhhhhhh! (He drops to his knees, staring down the grate. Begins to sob) Jerry you are a very badman.
MR. REEVE: (Mrs. Reeve now has her hands on the chair) Sir, I’m terribly sorry. Are you OK?
JERRY: (His eyes light up like a man who just met and had his day saved by his hero. He looks over at the Man of Steel) Superman! My Hero. (Mr. Reeves smiles at Jerry)
JERRY’S APARTMENT:
(Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer sit on the couch and chair)
JERRY: You guys are the best friends a guy could have. I want to thank you again for helping out with such a special night.
GEORGE: (Dripping with sarcasm) It’s the least I could do for the man who quite possibly cheated me out of a life of happiness and love twenty years ago.
JERRY: Ah, you would have screwed it up yourself anyway.
GEORGE: (Matter-of-factly) I know. (And like that the whole thing is forgotten)
KRAMER: (Puts a piece of gum in his mouth, gestures pack towards Elaine) Gum?
ELAINE: (She gives him the dirtiest look ever and hatefully and spitefully replies) Thank you, no! (Kramer just laughs)
JERRY: Hey, the game is back on. (Points to the television)
ON TELEVISION (The Yankee Game):
(Chad Curtis is on first. He looks toward the dugout and touches the bill of his cap.
Bernie Williams is at the plate and he touches the bill of his batting helmet. Joe Torre
is sitting in the dugout. He glances toward third and flashes a series of signs: hat,
chest, chin, ear, chin, forearm, shoulder, ear. Flash to the third base coaches box.
Trudy is in the Yankee pinstripes, relaying the signals)
Chris States
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